WWMRD?

“So I’m out at work.”

“That’s great!”

“Well, thank you. I wish I weren’t a little nervous, but…”

“Hey, I know what you mean. It is a big deal.”

“I was maybe going to next month, which is-”

“Pride Month, right.”

“It’s all Mark Ruffalo’s fault.”

“Who is-”

“You know the actor. Didn’t you see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?”

“Not yet.”

“You suck hobos for nickels. Anyway, I was watching ‘Thirteen going on Thirty’ the other night.”

“Which one is that?”

“Like Big only with a girl and she’s 13 in the 80’s, which is why I started watching it. You know, 80’s nostalgia. Well, she’s got the bestfriendwholovesherbutisn’tcoolandthensherealizessheneedstobewithhim. Well, Mark Ruffalo plays the adult version of the friend. So, I’m looking at some images of him on the internet and I decide I need to look more like Mark Ruffalo.”

“What, change your hair and bone structure?”

“No, I just need to try harder to be sexy. I need to embrace my Inner Mark Ruffalo. Not just for myself, but I have a wife and she deserves a sexy man. So, basically lose weight. So now I say to myself ‘Mark Ruffalo wouldn’t eat that.’ ‘Mark Ruffalo wouldn’t stop for a Blizzard, even if he deserves it.’”

“Oh my god, you’re insane.”

“But it works! I really helps! And it’s hilarious. Now I’m saying it like in third person. ‘Mark Ruffalo doesn’t want any cake.’ I think it’s funny.”

“Well if it helps…”

“Well, there was this cake at work today and a group of us were sitting around talking and someone offered us an extra piece of cake and I said ‘Mark Ruffalo would not eat cake!’ and they asked me what I was talking about-”

“Naturally.”

“And I said I was embracing my inner Mark Ruffalo, because I want to be sexier, and someone said ‘Why Mark Ruffalo?’ and i said, before I really thought about ‘Have you seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!?! He’s delicious in that!’ and one of my coworkers went right to a direct question.”

“What did they say?”

“They knew I was married so they asked if they could ask me a question and I knew what they were going to say and I said to myself ‘if they ask me a direct question I’m not going to lie’ and they did so I said yes.”

“They asked if you were bi?”

“Yeah, they said bi.”

“How did they react?”

“Um, they were a little wierded out, I guess, but there were two other co workers there and they were very supportive. This person is a bit of a Jesus crispy, too. And of course everyone’s going to know. I mean we were all just gossiping, I know how much gossip goes on.”

“Well I’m sure it will be fine.”

“I just wish I didn’t feel so self-conscious. I just wish I could say it and move on.”

“Well it’s just like going in and talking about private things between you do as a married couple. You don’t broadcast your intimate details to your co-workers.”

“Yeah, true. That’s what I told myself. I guess I could have not said anything, not been so frank about Mark Ruffalo. I guess if I’m honest I wanted someone to ask or to know, I just never feel ready. It always feels a little like being caught masturbating.”

“To images of Mark Ruffalo. I can see how that would be awkward.”

Effective Invisibility

Some colleagues and I were recently observing that it is fortunate that some who have the power to turn invisibility also, inexplicably, have the ability to generate force fields as well. As incongruous and improbable as this may seem, it does seem to off set a superpower that otherwise would appear very limited indeed. In fact, I myself flippantly remarked that without the force field power, invisibility would “suck ass”. However, I couldn’t stop thinking that this was neither flattering nor fair to those with the power to turn invisible, and demonstrated a lack of thoughtfulness and resourcefulness on my part. I have taken it upon myself to correct this misperception of invisibility by offering these handy tips.

1.)Know your role
Okay, we all want to go toe to toe with Dr. Sorrow or Mechgorilla, but that simply isn’t what you do. Your role is to one of reconnaissance and advance scout. You’ve honed your observation skills, spiked up your memorization, familiarized yourself with a variety of radio and subspace communicators, maybe even learned Morse Code. Your stealth is your strength, and your chief weapon is information. Everyone will applaud how Tunnor or Laser Mace dealt the coup de grace but perhaps they wouldn’t have known Tigersaur’s weak point or The Sinadrome’s evil plot if you hadn’t been out there, doing the stealth work. If you get really good at this, you might even find yourself employed by several superteams at once, head hunted by the Righteous League or Team Alpha. Of course, you might grow tired of Smashtra and Z Trooper making fun of your noncombat role, and maybe you’ve hauled one too many heavy hitter out of one death trap too many and you’d like to step up your effectiveness in the field.

2.)Learn Martial Arts
It works for Iron Panda and The Hallow. They routinely face powered opponents with nothing more than athleticism and skill. And you wouldn’t really have to be as good as they are, since you have the huge advantage of being invisible to your foes. All you need is a few basic aikido moves for throwing people to the ground and you’d be quite effective. Of course, no matter how many hours you spent punching bricks to harden your hands (and yes, the Hallow does that), there’s only so much you can against Carno or Giant Kahn. So, you might want to skip ahead to the next point.

3.)Pack Heat
Arm yourself with as many firearms as you can tote without impeding your movement. So you don’t want to go the lethal route like Specter General and Rath, and certainly you’re more employable if you don’t, and wish to carry rubber bullets and tranqs like Streetcleaner, do keep in mind that neither of those things work against androids, robots, or armored foes. No one’s going to fault you for carrying a clip or two of Teflon coated armor piercing rounds for “emergency use”. After all, you can’t shoot through manacles or locks witout penetrating ammo. If you wish to take out a sizable Power Loan, or if you can land a job beta testing for CosmaCorps or Yang Lee Inc. (which is allegedly how Beta Max does it) (and, of course, how he got his name), you can equip yourself with the latest in repulsors, plasma knives, stunulators, etc. Which puts you right on par with Z Trooper, Beta Max, Dr. Revolver, and others, only you’ll have one advantage they don’t; you can turn invisible.